Lying is the new black
“You know, Ivanka, I think I’m going to call my old fr…well acquaintance Keith Olbermann.”
“Daddy, he hates you; he thinks you’re a moron.”
“I’ll try to be smart.”
Dialing. “Hello Keith, you’re amazing.”
“Who is this?”
“It’s Donald.”
“Donald who?”
“You know, the President. Oh, OK, Donald the moron.”
“Oh, that Donald.”
“Keith, I have a favor to ask.”
“Donald, why would I do anything for you, ever?”
“If you do this favor for me I will stop tweeting about you for six months.”
“You promise?”
“On Melania’s life I promise.”
“What about on Ivanka’s?”
“No. I need her. And she didn’t come here illegally.”
“Donald, what’s with this uncharacteristic honesty?”
“I really need this favor.”
“OK. What do you want?”
“I always loved that segment you used to do, you know, before you got fired, you know that amazing segment, ‘The Worst People in the World.’ It was exhilarating for me to watch. I used some of your technique on The Apprentice.”
“Thank you. I think I got you in there once or twice.”
“That I didn’t like. Let’s let bygones be bygones.”
“I love the flattery even though I know you don’t mean it. So what’s the favor?”
“I want to know who, right now, not including me, are the worst people in the world.”
“It’s not going to be easy to keep you out, except that you change your mind so much that it’s hard to know which you is you. Ok, Donald, I’ll try to help you out. Which way did you come in? Joke.”
“Not funny. I came in fair and square. Killed her in the Electoral College. Won the popular vote.”
“Yes, Donald. Donald, did you know that lying is the new black?”
“What does that mean, Keith?”
“With so many crazy untrue stories starting on the Internet and then spreading like a California wildfire, people believe the lies and reject the truth about events and people and so the lies are the fashion and truth is last year’s fashion. Even though I know you won’t understand this, I apologize for the mixed metaphor.”
“Hah! It’s a large petit four.”
“So, it’s back to your request from me: who are the worst people in the world. I don’t know, Donald, why you need me for this. You’ve found most of them and are putting them in your Cabinet. If you would put them in a cabinet and seal the door it might be better but that’s up to you. It’s hard to know where to start but anywhere is good.
“Take your pick for Secretary of Labor, Andrew F. Puzder, a name that derives from the Yiddish “putz,” which is what he is and, no disrespect intended, so are you. For Puzder the minimum wage should be back where it was in the 70s. ‘Give them $5 an hour and let them be happy. They can eat the shit we serve at Hardy’s and Carl’s Jr. or out of trash bins for all I care. I made my money by cheating my employees out of their wages and lunch breaks and overtime, are you fucking kidding. I’ve been sued so many times I have a permanent seat in the courthouse. It’s where everybody knows my name.
‘If there weren’t so many regulations I’d have 10 and 12 year olds cooking and serving the food. I’d buy them from their parents and work them like the kids who weave the rugs in India and Iran and those other countries.
‘Sometimes they want to go to the bathroom. Not on my time. And safety and health rules; they cost too much. It’s cheaper to pay for burned workers than make a safe work place.
‘I’m going to make Elaine Chao, who was a good Secretary of Labor for business, in hindsight look like God’s gift to workers and unions. They’ll wish for the good old days. She’ll do the same thing to our transportation system as she did to working people and unions. Mass transit, watch out.’”
“Donald, if I didn’t know better I’d think you were asking for recommendations for your cabinet, that ‘drain the swamp’ thing you were talking about, that making Washington responsive to the people you snookered who voted for you.”
“Yeah, Keith, you caught me and yeah, morons. So what else you got?”
“I think that’s enough for now but we continue this if you want later. I’m guessing that even with all those Republican senators bending over for you there are going to be some of your Cabinet picks rejected.”
“That’s ok. I’ll use them anyway. Advise and consent doesn’t mean I have to listen. When did I ever listen? One thing I can say for myself that I’m really proud of is how consistent I’ve been all my life. I’m the man today that I was as a boy of 12. I just get laid more.”
“So Donald, I’ve done you a favor and as much as I think you are dangerous, even toxic, there’s something I’d like to know. Did you watch or did you pee on those women also?”
THIS IS A WORK OF SATIRE EVEN THOUGH IT COULD BE SO TRUE.
“Satire is people as they are; romanticism, people as they would like to be; realism, people as they seem with their insides left out.” Dawn Powell
